stop pissing on my beer (forum).

I am a member of a good number of beer-related Facebook groups (which may or may not be one of the reasons I don’t post regularly… ooo! Shiny!) and I’ve noticed several trends across them that are… frankly… irritating. In the bizarro world that is the interwebs, I understand that people tend towards dickishness and trollism and vaguary, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior – and, dammit, I’m calling these folks out on their bullshit. Here are some of the posts that particularly stick in my craw, as well as recommendations to fix a few of them:

“How long can I keep [random IPA] in a growler and it still taste good?”

Jane, you ignorant slut. IPAs – yes, ALL IPAs – are better drank fresh. Open that bitch up and enjoy. Why are you trying to save it? Come on…

Here, fixed that for ya:

“I’m going to a party on Saturday and bought a growler of [random IPA] today. Do you think it will last or should I drink it now and buy more later?”

“How long can I keep [any other style of beer but IPA] in a growler and it still taste good?”

What kind of growler? How was it filled? Have you kept it cold? Is it closed properly and tightly? Was the growler clean – not “meh, looks okay” clean – but beer clean? What type of beer? What’s the ABV? What’s the hop content?

Stop asking complex questions and pretending they are simple. Just… stop.

Here, fixed that for ya:

“I have a Drink Tank of 11% barleywine I picked up today and was wondering if I could age it. The growler was clean and there aren’t any leaks. What do you think?”

“ISO: [super rare, super expensive beer]

FT: [beers with regional distribution that you already have on hand]”

Nope. Nope nope nope. Unless your “FT” is something equally rare or desirable, why even bother? In general, if it’s a regionally-distributed beer, I’m probably going to want it fresh anyway, so it is mildly concerning that you already have it when you don’t have a trader yet.

“ISO: [beer only available on tap… let’s say… Pliny the Younger]”

Here’s the thing… the most respected taphouses in the country have to fight to get beers like Pliny the Younger, why do you think someone would have a keg sitting around just waiting to trade? It’s not going to happen. But that’s not the worst part of these posts… the absolute most mindboggling thing is (A) the sheer volume of them and (B) when someone points out that the beer is only available on tap and helpfully links to more info and the OP goes all bargly because being told no sucks. I KNOW that you really want to try Pliny the Younger… but that doesn’t change the fact that it isn’t available in bottles or cans. YELLING AT PEOPLE WHO POINT THIS OUT DOES NOT CHANGE THE FACTS.

Actually, yelling at ANYONE exposing you to reality DOESN’T CHANGE THE FUCKING FACTS.

“Here’s a photo of this beer: is it any good?”

I don’t fucking know. Why don’t you open it and try? My palate is different than your palate so I don’t know whether or not you’ll like it. And you know as well as I do that this isn’t a real question; you just want to show off whatever “amazing” beer you found and get people to oo and ah all over you.

Here, fixed that for ya:

“I haven’t tried this beer [photo of beer] before and was wondering what it’s like before I crack it. I’d hate to waste a beer that might be better enjoyed by someone besides myself.”

“[Photo of really amazing, usually rare beer] Look at these shelf turds!”

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Holy FUCK you are hilarious! I cannot handle it! Did you come up with that on your own? I mean… to take something valueable and imply that it has no value… wow… you are a comedic genius. Listen: I’m as big of a fan of sarcasm as the next person, but this isn’t good sarcasm. It’s lazy… and I mean lazier than posting a Grumpy Cat meme lazy. I want to say that this was funny once… but it wasn’t. Also, “shelf turds”?

Any video of a drain-pour.

Yep. You’re pouring that beer down the drain. Sometimes it happens. Maybe it was bad. Maybe you just didn’t like it. No biggie. But why would you open yourself to ridicule and derision from fellow beer lovers because of your need to dump your beer? Do you think it makes you look like a badass or somehow “counter-culture” when you pour a beer other people love? I’m here to let you know: it doesn’t. It just makes you look like the attention whore you are.

Any chugging video.

Do I really..? Apparently I do. Congratulations frat boys of the world: you are all growed up and done found that there is more to life than Keystone Light. But you still have a desire… a lust… to hear that sweet, sweet chant: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! It eats at your bones and you must… you must obey. Nothing says “I am a MAN” quite like chugging 12- or 16- or 20- or 80-ounces of sweet, sweet fermented malt… especially on video… and especially if that malt happens to comprise an expensive/rare/special beer. How about you just do us all a favor and go ahead and crush that growler right on your forehead?

“I’m going to [very large area – city, state, country] and need some good brews. Where should I go?”

Okay, I’ll admit that I’ve been partially guilty of this. Yes, on the surface this seems like a good question. In fact, I would argue that it’s pretty damn perfect for an online forum discussion. However, there are two major issues with it. First: no one no one NO ONE ever checks to see (by this amazing little feature called the “search” box) if anyone else has asked the same or similar question and received answers. I swear I saw four people in one day ask about beer in NYC. What has happened to doing the sparest amount of research, folks?! The other is this: it is way too vague. If you tell me that you are coming out to Colorado and looking for “good brews”, there are just WAY too many for me to recommend. And, more than likely, the majority won’t be applicable because you will be regulating your visit to a very specific area. I hate spending 10 minutes constructing a thoughtful response about breweries in Denver, Boulder, Ft Collins, Colorado Springs, Grand Junction, Durango as well as ones available statewise to get a reply to my comment of “oh… well I’m going to be in Craig, so I was really looking for places out there.” THEN TELL ME THAT FROM THE GET GO YOU LAZY BASTARD! The other side to that is the “good brews.” What in the name of Chuthulu does that even mean? Do you mean breweries? Taphouses? Sports bars? Beers you can pick up from the liquor store?

Here, fixed that for ya:

“I’m going to San Diego for the weekend and will be staying in Point Loma. I really like visiting breweries and would like to bring back some beers – I like pretty much everything – any recommendations?”

OR

“I’m going to be driving from Denver to Asheville this November through KC, Saint Louis, Lexington, and Louisville. Any small breweries I absolutely must hit on my route?”

“Half of the posts on here are just trolls looking for comments.”

WHAAAAA!? You mean that people are posting to a public forum in order to get FEEDBACK!? OMG WTF!? How daaarrrrreeeeeeeee they.

“[Insert general bigotry] Cheers!”

Yeah… go fuck yourself. This is a beer group. We want to talk about beer. Bring your filth elsewhere.

[Photos of scantily-clad women with not-very-good beer. Usually only shows boobs, butt, or (lack of) bush]

Yeah, yeah, I like boobs, too. They are great. However, maybe objectifying women is the reason that you are posting these photos at 8pm on a Saturday night… mmmm?

Any post followed by demeaning, disrespectful, nonconstructive commentary.

We’re online where everything is “anonymous”. I know. It’s easy to let off some steam by being horrible to some stranger online. I get that there are bad traders: and making those people know is necessary, but doxxing is not okay, especially not over $40 in beer. So what if the OP enjoys Samuel Adams and you don’t, you don’t have to call them terrible names and threaten to rape them. This person readily admits that they aren’t “beer savvy”, so why are you being a dick instead of answering their question in the spirit in which it was intended? I get that you live a block from the Alchemist, but the rest of the world doesn’t, so calling everyone who doesn’t have unmitigated access to Heady Topper “faggy bitches” is uncalled for. This is a beer discussion and we are trying to have fun… ask yourself: why are you trying to ruin it?

Calling into question any woman’s knowledge of beer… which usually reverts to commenting on her appearance.

I know that women are primarily intended to be eye candy and beer delivery mechanisms. I’m not disputing that. I mean… look at us… but we also serve other functions. There are women who drink beer… even women who drink craft beer… even women who visit breweries… even women who work at breweries… even women who are homebrewers… even women who are Cicerones and professional brewers and founders of breweries. It’s amazing what we have learned to do over our (roughly) 4 billion years of evolution that would shock even the most learned of our male masters.

But seriously. I know this is one of my beer box issues, but this sexist shit has to stop. Unfortunately, it doesn’t just exist in online forums (although, I would argue, it’s there that it reaches is ugliest and most honest form).

It exists in commercials (this is insulting to men, too, by the way):

It exists in print advertising (holy fuck there’s a Buzzfeed list):

http://www.buzzfeed.com/copyranter/13-of-the-most-sexist-beer-ads-of-all-time#.pgoXW8aLyv

It exists in beer labels (for the record, I find juvenile sexual innuendo HILARIOUS, but there are some labels that cross way, way over the line). It exists in the fact that a large number of breweries carry men’s sizes in small through triple-extra-large and only carry women’s in small, medium, and large (I have a whole upcoming post about this… promise). It exists when someone walks into a brewery and assumes that the brewer must be a man (even the Beerded Brewer, who is a proud feminist, makes this mistake).

I get that sexism is a systemic problem, but in an industry as progressive as the brewing industry, we are failing dramatically on this one. Why do we continue to feed the sexist trolls out there by allowing them to believe that craft beer is just the grown-up version of a frat party? Yeah, we drink a lot. Yeah, we tell really inappropriate jokes. Yeah, we like to have a good time. But this isn’t an industry of hate and descrimination. Don’t let anyone fool you into believing that when they say that a women isn’t “capable” of doing something like brewing that they are going home and treating their wife or daughter or mother or sister with respect. It just ain’t happenin’.

Okay. Enough of the negativity. ENOUGH. I’m done. I’m over it. I’m moving on.

Luckily, not everything is toxic. A lot of it is lovely and informative and just smile-inducing. Here’s some of what makes me dribble beer because I’m smiling whilst drinking (more dangerous than chewing and walking, I tell you).

Shit I love that people post:

“My wife just had a kid! Here’s the beer I’ll be toasting my new baby with… and I can’t wait to share on with the wife. Nine months is a long time. Good job, sweetie!”

“I’m new to craft beer and was wondering what the difference between a stout and a porter is.”

“I just bought a Hydroflask. Does it keep beer better than a glass growler?”

“Holy shit! I just scored a bottle of [rare, awesome beer]! I can’t wait to pop this puppy open!”

“I just scored a case of [really kickass beer] and would like to trade most of it. ISO [list of styles or equally as kickass beers]. Will trade $ for $.”

“My buddies and I just visited our 30th brewery this year. Pretty badass, if I do say so myself.”

“[Untappd badge] 1000 Check-ins! I know I’m behind a lot of you… but since I just started keeping track a year ago, that’s not too shabby.”

“My Grandpa just passed this morning. Please give him a toast today. He was a pretty great guy.”

[Photos of dogs or cats with beer]

[Photos of beer crafts]

[Photos of people at breweries/beer festivals/on beer trips]

[Photos of beer]

See where I’m going here? I joined these online communities because I wanted to talk about beer. I wanted to have beer-drinking buddies across the world with whom I could have discussions, see great photos, trade, and maybe even meet IRL for a drink (or three). I didn’t join because I wanted a bunch of middle-aged, sexist frat boys who think that respect is what they get when their dog pees itself when they come home.

Most of all, I joined these groups to have fun and gain some knowledge. I’ve definitely discovered the latter: great beers, great breweries and bars and pubs across the country and the world, and even made a couple of friends. The former… eh… I find myself getting more frustrated and angry than anything. When I first joined RateBeer and Beer Advocate, I delighted in finding a community of beer drinkers with whom I could connect. I thought I’d found an easier (in that it’s a platform I almost obsessively use) forum in Facebook beer groups. Instead, I found people taking an industry, a community, and a product I love and perverting it into something mean, angry, and hateful. While this kind of negativity is getting progressively worse across all of Facebook, chatting about beer shouldn’t create the amount of vitriol that, say, traffic in a small town does.

Before you post, think about what you’re saying. Are you contributing to the conversation? Are you posting something that others will enjoy? Or is your post simply masturbatory? Because no one wants to read that (says the chick with a blog)…

Now, please excuse me while I take a photo of myself drain-pouring Heady Topper while doing a keg stand on Pliny the Younger.

Cheers.